Friday, July 07, 2006

A bit of humour

For those of you who have not heard of Steven Wright, check him out. He's like Jack Dee, only morose.... Here's a few of his more astute observations on life:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever; so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
35 - They say you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone - I wanted to know what I had, so I got rid of everything


How great was it to see France (who have been progressing by the seat of their pants in this competition) stuff Portugal in the semi-final? Very great - thats how great! Alles les Bleus.... I will be supporting them big time in the final (the participants of which, I admit, I only got 50% right - I thought it would be France v Germany for sure). I still stick with France to win - then at least they can retire most of their ageing team in style....

And how great was it to watch the elaborate theatrics of the famous acrobatic troupe, the Tumbling Portuguese, every time they got anywhere near the penalty area go completely unrewarded by the ref (who should have showed a few yellow cards for it)? Very great, too.

And how great was it to hear French and English supporters alike booing and hissing that cheating little wanker Ronaldo? Also very great. I suspect that it was just a small sample of what the little bastard will get week in week out in the Premiership next season, and I predict he will soon get fed up and piss off to Real Madrid - and good riddance.

For those of you who think this sort of barracking only serves to spur on the player, I can tell you that whilst this may be true if things are going his way on the pitch, the moment he starts making mistakes, committing fouls, losing the ball or fluffing shots, and he gets a chorus of cat calls and jeers, THAT is when it starts to mess with the brain. I really hope that the English supporters country-wide give Ronaldo much worse than they gave Beckham a few seasons ago after the famous Argie-kicking incident got him dismissed in the last world cup.

FYI - Ronaldo has now joined Harry "Treacherous Money-Grabbing Bastard" Kewell on my "I Hope He Breaks His Fucking Leg" list, previously only occupied by Maradonna until his retirement.

Vindictive? Moi? Pas du tout....

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Goodbye and good riddance...

At last, we can say goodbye to the terminally defensive Sven - let's hope the next manager is a little more adventurous and attacking-minded.

I have but a few questions before he departs:

1. Why take only four strikers when you know two are injured and have doubtful fitness before the competition starts?

2. Why take four strikers and only play half of them (only forced to play Crouch when Owen gets injured)?

3. Why play a formation that leaves poor spud-face stuck up front all on his own, a role he clearly does not relish?

4. If you insist on playing that formation, why not at least play a player in the holding role who would allow Gerrard and Lampard to go forward a bit more instead of sitting back and hoofing balls up to spud-head? I do like Owen Hargreaves, and he worked his socks off against Portugal once spuddo got sent off, but Carrick makes much more sense in that position

5. Why didn't you remind Rio "Donkey" Ferdinand before each game that his job is to get himself in front of opponents and the ball, and then give it as quickly as possible to someone who can actually play football? I think I saw him complete only two passes (other than those he passed 2-3 yards to either side) to his own team mates throughout the competition - does he fancy himself as a Gerrard/Beckham type, or something?

6. And finally, why oh why oh why are England so piss-poor at taking penalties? Portugal made us look stupid...again

The only good thing about England's exit against Portugal is that Alex, Clive and myself win our bet against Peter that England would not proceed beyond the quarter finals. Since we all put up 10 Euros each, our shared winnings are a paltry 3.33 Euros apiece (Peter really put one over on us - we were all drunk at the time!) - just about as pathetic as England's penalty-taking abilities.

Looks like we are all set up for a France v Germany final, and I reckon France could do it - they seem to be coming good at the right time.

Friday, April 28, 2006

Dear Mr. President

"How do you sleep while the rest of us cry
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye
How do you walk with your head held high
Can you even look me in the eye
And tell me why"

I was listening to the new Pink album today. Whether or not you like her music, there is a superb ballad on there with which most people will identify, even those who approve of America's imperialism. Written as an open letter to Bush, it has some powerful lyrics not typical of this rock chick.

"What kind of father would take his own daughter's rights away
And what kind of father might hate his own daughter if she were gay
I can only imagine what the first lady has to say
You've come a long way from whiskey and cocaine"

Nice one.

Yesterday was spent at the coast - Les Santes Maries de la Mer - with Jan & Alex, Max & Mini, and Harry. Although an agonising decision, we left Benson at home since we thought the over-enthusiastic antics of three barmy puppies would be too much for the old pensioner, who turned 11 years old just this week.

Actually, I thought that the over-enthusiatic antics of three barmy puppies would be too much for the population at large, but we were all amazed at how well-behaved the dogs were, even when we made them sit through 3+ hours of leisurely lunch at Tahiti Plage, where we were served the most fantastic fish dishes with a very fine Picpoul de Pinet (or two!).

One of our favourite fish restaurants, and it didn't disappoint. We also managed to locate Chez JuJu, the one which was featured in the recent Rick Stein series - one for next time!

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Be VERY careful where you are going with this....

The shooting of the Brazilian Menzes on the London Underground last year by armed officers who suspected him of being a suicide bomber was a tragic accident. Nothing more or less. Nothing less than tragic. But nothing more than an accident.

If the Crown Prosecution Service decides to go ahead with prosecuting the officer(s) involved in the shooting then they are likely to make the job of the Police untenable. Imagine for a moment if Menzes HAD been loaded up with a few pounds of C4, and the officer involved had hesitated just for a split second to consider if what he was about to do would lead to him being thrown in jail. And in that split second, the explosives had gone off killing the officer, his colleagues, and everyone in the carriage. What would be the outcry then?

These are highly trained professionals who put their lives on the line day in, day out for us. The pressures they face in these situations are unimaginable. I cannot imagine for one moment that the officer involved enjoyed pumping several bullets into that boy's head, but I am equally sure that at that precise moment, he was convinced that he, his colleagues, and the general public around them was in grave danger. He made a choice in that split second with which he will have to live for the rest of his life. That he should subsequently be subjected to protracted public enquiries and possible prosecution is unconscionable.

We cannot second guess our police officers and soldiers when they are on the battle field - we need to accept that bad things happen in war and in the fight against crime, and that accidents happen also (how many British soldiers were lost to friendly fire in the Gulf war?). We need to leave all disciplinary measures to the bodies involved - the police and army are well able to handle these matters, and it does nothing but undermine confidence in those bodies, make those poor sods on the front line every day question why in hell they are bothering, and line the pockets of lawyers and others who see such situations as a good way of making a quick buck.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Harry at 12 months

For those of you wondering how Harry has been doing during the hiatus in my postings, here he is at 12 months old on his first skiing holiday in the French Alps

And anyone who has been worried about how 12 year old Benson with the arthritic elbow and shoulder, and hip dysplasia (sp?), has been getting on recently, here he is catching snowballs on the same holiday.
Well, not much wrong with him then......

Tax and and spend....

I see that Labour's latest stealth tax is a new 'wealth tax" which is to be levied on those who have spent their hard-earned cash - on which they have already paid income tax, remember! - improving their home. The scumbag parasites living next door on benefits (which we pay from our taxes!) with a rusty old car, broken down fridge and vomit-covered sofa in their front garden will pay much less - not that they care, since it is those of us who actually pay taxes who will end up paying their poll tax for them anyway....

Sir Michael Lyons, having performed a review of the current council tax system, has said "if you have two houses next to each other who have got the same income, but one of them has very considerably more wealth, it doesn't seem inappropriate to reflect on whether those households with more wealth should make a bigger contribution".


The disparity in wealth is taken care of by the many other taxes, such as income tax and sales tax (which prevent you from amassing any degree of wealth in the first place), inheritance tax (which forces you to sell your family home to pay it, and probably leaves you worse off, after funeral expenses, than before whoever it was popped their clogs), and so on. Council tax/poll/tax or whatever you want to call it is SUPPOSED to be levied so that local government has something to pay towards providing local services. As such, it should be based on the size of your property or, more fairly, a tax per capita.

I warned this would happen when Labour came to power after all those years of Tory leadership. The result of an entire generation of kids now old enough to vote but too young to remember how bad it was to be held to ransom by the miners union every winter (power cuts and candles were a regular occurrence throughout the winters of my childhood) is that a party which has no idea how to balance a budget is once again imposing taxes left right and centre. They proudly point to the fact that we are paying the lowest income tax for decades, but think we are too stupid to notice all the many stealth taxes they have imposed to pay for their spendthrift ways. Bastards!

Oh - and their other little gem is that they now expect you to allow "inspectors" into your home for the sole purpose of documenting your room layout, living space, furniture and possessions so they can more accurately levy their ridiculous tax on those who work hard to improve their lot in life. This is so "1984" as to be beyond belief, but is typical of the increasingly controlling and intrusive manner in which this government attempts to dictate our daily lives. "Nanny state" doesn't even come close....

And another thing..... no one could possibly convince me that these lists will not end up in the hands of thieves, who now have the government "casing the joint" for them - all they do is pick the most likely target from the list sold to them by the disgruntled town clerk. In order to eliminate this spark of enterprise, Lyon's latest brainwave is to put all this info right on the Internet where everyone can see it anyway.

Look out for my new web site,, where you can enter the make and model of the plasma TV you want and the site will serve you up a list of houses which contain that exact model - or nearest match - in your immediate vicinity.