Friday, July 07, 2006

A bit of humour

For those of you who have not heard of Steven Wright, check him out. He's like Jack Dee, only morose.... Here's a few of his more astute observations on life:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever; so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
35 - They say you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone - I wanted to know what I had, so I got rid of everything

Bwahahahahahhhhhaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!

How great was it to see France (who have been progressing by the seat of their pants in this competition) stuff Portugal in the semi-final? Very great - thats how great! Alles les Bleus.... I will be supporting them big time in the final (the participants of which, I admit, I only got 50% right - I thought it would be France v Germany for sure). I still stick with France to win - then at least they can retire most of their ageing team in style....

And how great was it to watch the elaborate theatrics of the famous acrobatic troupe, the Tumbling Portuguese, every time they got anywhere near the penalty area go completely unrewarded by the ref (who should have showed a few yellow cards for it)? Very great, too.

And how great was it to hear French and English supporters alike booing and hissing that cheating little wanker Ronaldo? Also very great. I suspect that it was just a small sample of what the little bastard will get week in week out in the Premiership next season, and I predict he will soon get fed up and piss off to Real Madrid - and good riddance.

For those of you who think this sort of barracking only serves to spur on the player, I can tell you that whilst this may be true if things are going his way on the pitch, the moment he starts making mistakes, committing fouls, losing the ball or fluffing shots, and he gets a chorus of cat calls and jeers, THAT is when it starts to mess with the brain. I really hope that the English supporters country-wide give Ronaldo much worse than they gave Beckham a few seasons ago after the famous Argie-kicking incident got him dismissed in the last world cup.

FYI - Ronaldo has now joined Harry "Treacherous Money-Grabbing Bastard" Kewell on my "I Hope He Breaks His Fucking Leg" list, previously only occupied by Maradonna until his retirement.

Vindictive? Moi? Pas du tout....

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Goodbye and good riddance...

At last, we can say goodbye to the terminally defensive Sven - let's hope the next manager is a little more adventurous and attacking-minded.

I have but a few questions before he departs:

1. Why take only four strikers when you know two are injured and have doubtful fitness before the competition starts?

2. Why take four strikers and only play half of them (only forced to play Crouch when Owen gets injured)?

3. Why play a formation that leaves poor spud-face stuck up front all on his own, a role he clearly does not relish?

4. If you insist on playing that formation, why not at least play a player in the holding role who would allow Gerrard and Lampard to go forward a bit more instead of sitting back and hoofing balls up to spud-head? I do like Owen Hargreaves, and he worked his socks off against Portugal once spuddo got sent off, but Carrick makes much more sense in that position

5. Why didn't you remind Rio "Donkey" Ferdinand before each game that his job is to get himself in front of opponents and the ball, and then give it as quickly as possible to someone who can actually play football? I think I saw him complete only two passes (other than those he passed 2-3 yards to either side) to his own team mates throughout the competition - does he fancy himself as a Gerrard/Beckham type, or something?

6. And finally, why oh why oh why are England so piss-poor at taking penalties? Portugal made us look stupid...again

The only good thing about England's exit against Portugal is that Alex, Clive and myself win our bet against Peter that England would not proceed beyond the quarter finals. Since we all put up 10 Euros each, our shared winnings are a paltry 3.33 Euros apiece (Peter really put one over on us - we were all drunk at the time!) - just about as pathetic as England's penalty-taking abilities.

Looks like we are all set up for a France v Germany final, and I reckon France could do it - they seem to be coming good at the right time.