Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Cooking Stuff

Here is a quick and easy recipe for those of you too lazy to go out for takeaway:

Take some ingredients out of the fridge. Try to choose some ingredients from each of the four main food groups: animal, mineral, vegetable and chocolate. Try to include as many colours as possible

Anything round, you should dice finely. This is nothing to do with board games, but involves chopping up into very small pieces, each one looking like a very small die. This is an opportunity to show off all those cool knife skills you learned in Chef School.

Put blue plaster on thumb. Put blue plaster in index finger. Did you know I can reproduce? I will send you some baby pictures once you finish this

Anything which is green, shred using very fast knife action.

Put blue plaster on little finger. Consider wearing gloves.

Saute green stuff with some onions and spices until gently aromatic and fruity.

Mix water and animal bones and vegetables in a pan and boil slowly to make a delicious stock. This is the base of all your classic dishes so make sure you make it like chef told you. I find that adding a small pinch of salt at exactly five munute intervals will make the finished stock glossy and sleek.

In another pan (assuming you have more than one of those hot things on top of your stove - if not you will have to wait until the stock is finished) you make a burr-blank. This should be made with the finest of your ingredients. Make sure you melt the butter in the cream slowly like chef taught you and not like that idiot in chef school has been trying to tell you.

Rub some butter on the burn on your thumb. Consider buying an iPhone 2 years after everyone else had one. Spend a few hours deciding how you will split your Abba collection between your iPod and iPhone.

Add some of the animal ingredients to the stock - after several minutes this will turn into a nourishing stew.

Sieve the stew onto a plate.

Pour over the burr-blank. Make sure you wipe any splashes off the edge of the plate using some toilet roll

The shredded green things should be arranged in a pleasing pattern around the stew

Serve with a good wine - some red is best, from France probably. Burgundy, I think, to complement the colour of the greens.

With apologies to Chris, who probably cooks much better stuff than this really...

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